Romantic and marital love - part 5

If we should not underwrite our marriage contract with eros (as it seems the contract is largely designed to protect the marriage from eros), then what should we underwrite it with? What can be truly considered marital love?

If we were to underwrite our marriages with agape, say, which by the classical definition is disinterested, then our bonds of marriage bond us to serve the other without seeking reciprocation. And yet, we found that while this is easy to apply to neighbourly love, friendship love begins seeking reciprocation from an equal, and romantic love tentatively places responsibilities on our complimentary other. Thus marriage is a mutual bond that places responsibilities on the other (as well as ourselves) which are far greater than any other of the loves we have discussed so far. Yet, is the responsibility placed on the other none other than the same agape which we obligate ourselves to? And is the mutual agape to be undertaken as true agape: i.e. a love that does not seek to protect the rights of the one loving even if the one loved is obligated to love back?

If both spouses loved in a way which only thought of the other, than there would be no need to claim our own rights. But in the world in which we live this is rarely the case. In cases where one spouse, for whatever reason, fails to receprocate the love, the love of other spouse comes under strain as the rights of that spouse are threatened or even violated. Will agape hold up, or is there a point where the unconditionality of agape intersects with the failure of the marriage contract on the part of the other?

In such cases it may be fair to say that the spouse who was doing their part actually continues to love the other, but they do not know if they can continue in the relationship, because the marriage relationship should be two ways. The love remains, but the relationship is broken.

Only a century ago such a spouse would have soldiered on to the grave, faithfully remaining by their spouse no matter what. But these days we are more likely to uphold our own rights (and sometimes this may be necessary in the midst of a violent relationship or an adulterous spouse).

If this is the case, and it seems to be, with so many divorces, then the marriage contract and the pledge of love "to death do us part" is not truly unconditional, but rather remains conditional on the reciprocation of the other. Should either party fail their part of the contract, the contract may be annulled. This may or may not be how things should be, but certainly it is how they are, at least in the Western world.

This, it would seem, places the marriage contract above the love that underwrites it. Perhaps the bigger issue is why the love that underwrites fails in the first place. Could it be that it was the wrong love to begin with, an erotic desire for the other, rather than an unconditional affirmation of the other, the recognition of infinite value (dignity) and the unconditional and eternal response of seeking the thriving of this dignified other, and sharing in the joy of his or her being; walking the path of life together, whereever it leads walking together as one, no matter the cost; forsaking all other desires, potential partners, and ambitions that may pull us apart; fully giving ourselves over to the other, and renewing that gift of our whole selves each day, which is our undying expression of our love; respecting always; trusting; hoping always; never giving up...

If we do not know what love is, then what we think we have may not be enough to underwrite the sacred contract of marriage.

So far I have assumed that the disinterested agape is the preferred love here, but how does this bode with the romantic aspects of marriage, and how does it allow us to receive the reciprocated love of the other? Is there more to it than just agape? And how does our previous exploration of love as seeing fit into this relationship?

Marriage is an exclusive, complimentary relationship underwritten by mutual unconditional love, but I dont think we have gone far enough in understanding the specific nature of marital love yet, save to exclude eros, and to raise some questions about agape.

I will need to continue on this one.