Romantic and marital love - part 3

As our exploration of love leads us closer to understanding it as a kind of union, let us now turn to marital love. We have seen that romantic love appears to be the tentative formation of a strong bond in which there is seen complimentary aspects in the other, and in which each person seeks to transcend their own selves to share life together with the other as a 'we'.

If allowed to run its course, and if the gravitational forces that draw the two together are not counteracted by repulsive forces such as lives that differ too much, clashes of personality, clashes of interests (in essence if the two selves are not able or willing to self-forsake in order to merge into the other and to mutually indwell each other) then a point will come where the two become one.

In just what sense do the two become one? Is this a mystical union? Is it a ontological bond of love that really does unite the two into a we? Is the bond more a volitional bond, a vow and contract of love (i.e. a marriage)? Does it include all of the above? And finally, does it include things we have not listed above also?

I have been wondering about the nature of this union in light of the high rate of failed marriages in the west today, in light of the high rate of adultery, and in light of recent studies in the UK which indicate that a growing number of people see marriage and exclusive binding union (i.e. monogamy) as unnatural.

If adultery is a real and present threat, and if the bonds of marriage can so commonly fall apart, then what is to be said of the bond that holds together? And what is to be said about the nature and reality of the union of the two into a we?

Is it that when people marry these days they do not truly unite? They do not truly give themselves over to the we, and instead they remain two I's? It seems from simple observation that there are many cases of conflicts of interests, clashes of wills, personal ambitions that the 'we' cannot share, and which pull one 'I' away from the other. Even the insatiable eros can pull one I away from the we in search of another I with which to form another we, but the we is often never a true we that the I is pulled away from, and often neither is it a true we that the I is drawn towards. The issue from what I can see, is that the I always remains an I, and any other I tends to be subjected to the desires of this I, as a means to my ends rather than the end of my means.

If this is true, is the problem that the tangible we never truly or never fully forms? Or is the problem that the we is not a bond that is formed once and remains on its own from then on, but rather consists of a constant renewal of the vow to remain a we, and constant reaffirmation and realisation of that vow? If it is then the we is always tentative, always fragile, and the two Is always remain. In such cases the presence of the binding contract of marriage is essential to the stability of the we, and this seems to be the case, or else we would not require the contract of marriage.

It is interesting and comforting that one of the classic clauses in the marriage contract (though it is used less and less in today's DIY marriage vows) is "I take you, forsaking all others". I find the wording of this phrase interesting. It is a volitional commitment to exclusivity. It is not saying "I will not desire others or be attracted to others, but I forsake all other interests, and will be with you alone."

Thus, it is not an automatic thing that when people get married their desires and impulses are turned off, neither is it true that they 'lock on' to the spouse, but love and full union require that each party promises to volitionally forsake all such desires. I think the threat of adultery is only one expression of desire that can draw an I away from a we.

Yet the other desires are not always stated so clearly. "For rich or for poor" is essentially the vow to forsake the pursuit of wealth if it leads you away from the we, just as "in sickness and in health" binds the I's to each other even if the other becomes a burden or deathblow to whatever my ambitions are. In all these cases there is a conscious decision made and vowed that I choose the we over and against any such forces which would work to separate the we for the sake of an I.

It seems that people are only too ready to break this contract and forsake the we for the sake of the I. And obviously there is a lot of serious reasons for this. For one, if the contract is a contract alone, why would we ever desire to enter into it in the first place? And why would we ever desire to forsake the big work break we had been working towards for two decades in order to care for a terminally sick spouse.

This suggests that whatever marriage contract we enter into is actually underwritten by something of substance and value. There is a real bond, however fragile, that is being protected by these contractual vows because without this protection and security, something of great value can and will be destroyed by what is in the end selfish forces (the desires of the I).

Looks like I need to break this into several posts to keep it readable. Stay tuned.