Romantic and marital love - part 4

We have established that marriage vows are underwritten by a tangible 'something'. We have noted that the vows are necessary to protect that something, and yet at the same time the something seems to be required to fulfill the vows, which is kind of circular.

I wonder if the issue here is that when people marry, they often marry for eros, which is a desire for the other for myself. If this is true then the I remains supreme and, from the perspective of the I, and the other simply becomes a possession belonging to the I. As long as the other fulfills the desires of the I and does not frustrate the ambitions of the I then everything is fine (from their perspective).

But strain and tension can result if the other does begin to frustrate the intentions, ambitions, decisions, and desires (including but restricted to libido) of the I. Within this framework the I will fight for its will, whether by assertion, aggression, conflict, deception, manipulation, withdrawal, separation... any means to remove the obstacle of the other from the plans of the I. In such cases the two 'I's cease to function as a we (not that they were were one).

Over a prolonged period of this tension, the bonds that draw the two together are replaced by the forces which drive the two apart and, couples may find themselves living together as two individuals, or living together in conflict as fighters, or with one person in submission to the other at all times as a conquered and somewhat dehumanised slave, or various other combinations... until one of the 'I's can no longer take it.

Similarly, if the 'I's marry for eros, which is a desire for the other, then what happens when that desire is fulfilled? I now have the other, but the promises eros made to me about ecstasy and fulfillment from this person are never fully realised (because of the very nature of eros), or perhaps the initial fulfillment and excitement fades into familiarity, since eros desires what we have not yet tasted (or biblically: 'known'). After we taste it, the thing is now 'known' and the desire is satisfied. Yet the feeling of desire which tells us that "if we only had such and such we would be happy" still yearns for "something", since desire always seeks self transcendence. Thus, naturally we will always desire new things, and never be content with what we have.

I do not think that marriage should be based on eros, or at least on eros alone. The more I consider this the more I believe that we should not let eros direct our activity as far as it is in our power not to. I only see it resulting in evil. Even if it is the force that initially brought us together, the same force will at a whim tear us apart.