Neighbours and friends - part 2

Having looked at neighbour love, what is different between this and friendship love (which some might define as philia)?

Carol Simon has identified that one of the main characteristics of friendship love is that it is a love shared between 'equals.' That is, A friend is someone who you do not see as lesser than yourself, in which case your relationship would be like that of a parent to a child. Neither do you see them as greater than yourself, or you would be the 'child' and would not feel like you could offer them anything. They are not merely an acquaintance, or you would not be in a position to see them as lesser, greater or equal. A friend is therefore someone who you know, and who you consider to be on par with yourself. Some have depicted friends as two people walking down the same path side by side (though Carol Simon has a more nuanced understanding).

It seems to be generally held (at least by philosophers and psychologists) that friendship love is temporary, typically having correlations with physical proximity, and duration of shared experiences. We become friends with our class mates at school, but when we leave school we do not necessarily maintain our friendships. When we move to a new state or location, we often find new friends and start to 'drift apart' from our old friends, losing contact and thus needing to 'catch up' every now and then.

So a friend is an equal who shares experiences with us.

Another aspect of friendship is that it is a two-way relationship. We tend to feel like we are being 'used' by some people who would say they are friends but do not truly return the friendship. Such people may believe they are better than us, or that we are lesser than their other friends, or they may just be too absorbed in their own agenda to care about who we are and what our goals are (to use Simon's more loaded term, 'what our destiny is'). This suggests that a friend is someone who not only cares about their own agenda, but also cares about ours. And they are someone who we also care about, and who we will help out so that they can reach their goals. That is, as long as we believe their goals are good goals.

We have probably all known a friend who has frustrated us at some stage by a decision they have made which makes no sense. Their actions become 'out of character' and we cannot support them (or 'endorse' them to use Simon's words). It is as if at that stage we know what is best for them, and as they are unable to see it, we become 'higher' than them. It has been noted that if this situation continues for a period of time the friendship is at risk of failing, as we can no longer see the person as our equal. We might resolve to stick by them in their bad decision, but then when they cannot understand why they are now suffering and we know exactly why, we feel that we have lost the ability to 'be on the same page'. The friendship ceases to be what it was, and we might find ourselves wanting our 'old friend' back.

Some friendships do remain strong even over great distances and through the years. These kind seem to be more like the bonds of family, "no matter what I will stick by my friend." There have been many movies where friends will stick by each other through the bad decisions, because the choose friendship over rationality or righteousness or pain and even death. Interestingly, Jesus' sacrifice on the cross was considered the ultimate act of friendship love (which is interesting to note that this comes out in John's Gospel where so many people like to make a great distinction between phileo and agape (e.g. John 21)). In John 15 Jesus speaks of his own friendship love when he says "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (verse13). He goes on to say "I have called you friends for everything I learned from my father I have made known to you." and "you are my friends if you do what I command." This is an interesting passage in light of our understanding of friendship as 'equals who share life together.' Can we really be friends with Jesus? can we really be regarded as equal to the Son of God? Does he see us friends, equals that he can share his life with and 'everything he has learned from the father'? John notes the language of friend's shared experiences, and that Jesus shared our humanity and thus lowered himself to become equal with us. He left his father and became one of us, so he can truly be called a friend. I think this is quite significant. He is able to walk our road and share our experiences, to empathise with us and to walk in our shoes. One might wonder, when he calls us to follow him, does he actually call us to walk beside him? And yet, friendship with Jesus is qualified by conditions: "if you do what I command", and verse 10 says "if you obey my commands you will remain in my love, just as i have obeyed my father's commands and remain in his love". We never exclusively have a friendship with Jesus. He is our friend, but he is also our Lord and King.

But in the same way, Paul asks us to be willing to 'associate with people of low position' (Romans 12:16). Is he asking us to love them as our neighbours or as a parent-child relationship, or is he asking us to leave behind our so called lofty position and become true friends with them?

So then, is friendship love a love that not only sees that which evokes the loving response, but that which loves back, in which there is mutuality and in the bond of returned love, equality. Friendship is the safe haven of love's gaze into each other that enables us to share each other's experiences, hopes, wishes, dreams, goals, losses, failings... lives. And yet we have seen that this can be limited to what dreams, goals and interests that we have in common, that we see as equal and shareable. As friends start to follow different pursuits, they can often grow apart, the bond of love does not need to hold them together, but in so far as they walk together, their love looks our for each other and supports each other. When one falls the other can help them up.

There are obviously many more aspects to friendship love that tie into the same (elusive) centre. Why is it that when we split up with our best friend we are left with questions and doubts about our own identity? As if what we have shared of ourselves has been rejected, and thus we are forced to decide whether that was because we are in some way inadequate, or if it was due to some inadequacy on the friend's part. This is why there is either great hurt at such times, or even great hatred.

There are many more aspects too, which I wont explore right now. But I do wonder, what friendship love and neighbour love have in common. now that I have explored what both are, I will compare and contrast them next.