Neighbours and friends - part 3

Having looked at neighbour love and friend love can we find something common between the two, and can we eliminate what is peculiar to each, or must we count the peculiar aspects of each type of love as constituent to that love? And if so, does this mean that there is no single 'love' which may have various expressions or forms, but rather there are loves which are all different but bound together only categorically?

If neighbour love sees the value of a person, but does not know them, and may never get to know them, then this seems to be a basic loving response evoked by minimal stimulus, love from a glimpse. Yet friendship love seems to develop the glimpse into a relatively detailed awareness of the other, a perceived knowledge of who they are, where they come from, what they are about, and to some extent the belief that you can treat them more or less as your equal.

Thus friendship love appears to be the natural development of neighbour love, given proximity and communication over time. Yet the development from an acquaintance or a work partner to a friend requires not only proximity and time, but seeing the other as an equal. Should we find that those proximate to us over time, we view as lesser beings, whether in moral standard, or experience and wisdom, or in stature, or in strength, or even sometimes in health, we are less likely (whether right or wrong) to view them as equals who can contribute to us as much as we can to them. We might take the role of a mentor, or be helpful, but may never open ourselves up to them in the same way they might do to us.

I am not so concerned at this stage whether our appraisal of their relative equality is accurate (this seems to be an issue in its own right), but just to say that such an appraisal tends to influence how much we consider a person we have got to know as a friend, or an acquaintance, or just work mate, or even neighbour in the sense of a neighbour who we are not friends with.

In this sense, we can love any person as our neighbour without knowing much about them. We do not expect any reciprocation in this regard, we merely give of ourselves to them for their sake alone. Yet in a friendship we seem to evaluate whether that person can reciprocate our love; whether we can open ourselves up to them. Love becomes two way, and thus is open to some level of risk, since in opening ourselves up to be loved in response, we are making ourselves vulnerable.

At this stage, is friendship love more than just 'seeing value' in the other? Is there a second force or dynamic that comes into the picture? Have we stopped looking at love and started looking at relational dynamics? Or is this just the natural and necessary progression of love? If love is at its base level to see the value in the other and give of ourselves to them for their sake, then what happens if two people do that to each other? And how can we receive love if we do not open ourselves to it?

And yet, if friendship is the natural development of love as it becomes reciprocated, then why is it so much more selective? Are value appraisals valid or are they just a self preservation mechanism driven by other factors such as fear of rejection or fear of betrayal or hurt? Or are the fears more socially complex (and superficial) such as the fear of being seen with a particular person (fear of embarrassment) etc? Without fear, and without the things that cause us to have the fear, would we see everyone as a friend? Would we be able to love each person, but also open ourselves up to be loved by each person?

Finally, what is the net result of this progression (if it is actually a progression and not two separate entities)? If love is at its most basic a response to the value in another, then the progression of neighbour love to mutual friendship seems to suggest that love has another aspect: a goal. As love works and is reciprocated, it forms a relationship between the two parties that unites them loosely. It seems that this unity is loosely based around shared values, interests and experiences, and the strength of a friendship can often be correlated to such things as these as well as physical proximity and the duration and intensity of such proximity. Friends enjoy each other for their own sake.

When a friend stops reciprocating the love, we can feel rejected. When they cease to enjoy us for or own sake we can feel they are using us as a means to an end, rather than enjoying us as an end in itself. We expect friends to reciprocate the love we have for them. In this way we consider them equal and thus place a responsibility or expectation upon them to live in such a way. When they do not we do not consider them to be our friend, though we may still love them and care for them for their own sake. In this case they cease to be friends as such, and love reverts to neighbour love.

Perhaps as we explore romantic love, marital love and familial love we will find that love continues to progress towards a goal of union (or communion), though it is still based on the recognition of value in the other.

Not sure if I have hit the nail on the head with this post, but I think I have uncovered that love has more than one core aspect, namely that it has a source and a goal.

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Neighbours and friends - part 2

Having looked at neighbour love, what is different between this and friendship love (which some might define as philia)?

Carol Simon has identified that one of the main characteristics of friendship love is that it is a love shared between 'equals.' That is, A friend is someone who you do not see as lesser than yourself, in which case your relationship would be like that of a parent to a child. Neither do you see them as greater than yourself, or you would be the 'child' and would not feel like you could offer them anything. They are not merely an acquaintance, or you would not be in a position to see them as lesser, greater or equal. A friend is therefore someone who you know, and who you consider to be on par with yourself. Some have depicted friends as two people walking down the same path side by side (though Carol Simon has a more nuanced understanding).

It seems to be generally held (at least by philosophers and psychologists) that friendship love is temporary, typically having correlations with physical proximity, and duration of shared experiences. We become friends with our class mates at school, but when we leave school we do not necessarily maintain our friendships. When we move to a new state or location, we often find new friends and start to 'drift apart' from our old friends, losing contact and thus needing to 'catch up' every now and then.

So a friend is an equal who shares experiences with us.

Another aspect of friendship is that it is a two-way relationship. We tend to feel like we are being 'used' by some people who would say they are friends but do not truly return the friendship. Such people may believe they are better than us, or that we are lesser than their other friends, or they may just be too absorbed in their own agenda to care about who we are and what our goals are (to use Simon's more loaded term, 'what our destiny is'). This suggests that a friend is someone who not only cares about their own agenda, but also cares about ours. And they are someone who we also care about, and who we will help out so that they can reach their goals. That is, as long as we believe their goals are good goals.

We have probably all known a friend who has frustrated us at some stage by a decision they have made which makes no sense. Their actions become 'out of character' and we cannot support them (or 'endorse' them to use Simon's words). It is as if at that stage we know what is best for them, and as they are unable to see it, we become 'higher' than them. It has been noted that if this situation continues for a period of time the friendship is at risk of failing, as we can no longer see the person as our equal. We might resolve to stick by them in their bad decision, but then when they cannot understand why they are now suffering and we know exactly why, we feel that we have lost the ability to 'be on the same page'. The friendship ceases to be what it was, and we might find ourselves wanting our 'old friend' back.

Some friendships do remain strong even over great distances and through the years. These kind seem to be more like the bonds of family, "no matter what I will stick by my friend." There have been many movies where friends will stick by each other through the bad decisions, because the choose friendship over rationality or righteousness or pain and even death. Interestingly, Jesus' sacrifice on the cross was considered the ultimate act of friendship love (which is interesting to note that this comes out in John's Gospel where so many people like to make a great distinction between phileo and agape (e.g. John 21)). In John 15 Jesus speaks of his own friendship love when he says "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (verse13). He goes on to say "I have called you friends for everything I learned from my father I have made known to you." and "you are my friends if you do what I command." This is an interesting passage in light of our understanding of friendship as 'equals who share life together.' Can we really be friends with Jesus? can we really be regarded as equal to the Son of God? Does he see us friends, equals that he can share his life with and 'everything he has learned from the father'? John notes the language of friend's shared experiences, and that Jesus shared our humanity and thus lowered himself to become equal with us. He left his father and became one of us, so he can truly be called a friend. I think this is quite significant. He is able to walk our road and share our experiences, to empathise with us and to walk in our shoes. One might wonder, when he calls us to follow him, does he actually call us to walk beside him? And yet, friendship with Jesus is qualified by conditions: "if you do what I command", and verse 10 says "if you obey my commands you will remain in my love, just as i have obeyed my father's commands and remain in his love". We never exclusively have a friendship with Jesus. He is our friend, but he is also our Lord and King.

But in the same way, Paul asks us to be willing to 'associate with people of low position' (Romans 12:16). Is he asking us to love them as our neighbours or as a parent-child relationship, or is he asking us to leave behind our so called lofty position and become true friends with them?

So then, is friendship love a love that not only sees that which evokes the loving response, but that which loves back, in which there is mutuality and in the bond of returned love, equality. Friendship is the safe haven of love's gaze into each other that enables us to share each other's experiences, hopes, wishes, dreams, goals, losses, failings... lives. And yet we have seen that this can be limited to what dreams, goals and interests that we have in common, that we see as equal and shareable. As friends start to follow different pursuits, they can often grow apart, the bond of love does not need to hold them together, but in so far as they walk together, their love looks our for each other and supports each other. When one falls the other can help them up.

There are obviously many more aspects to friendship love that tie into the same (elusive) centre. Why is it that when we split up with our best friend we are left with questions and doubts about our own identity? As if what we have shared of ourselves has been rejected, and thus we are forced to decide whether that was because we are in some way inadequate, or if it was due to some inadequacy on the friend's part. This is why there is either great hurt at such times, or even great hatred.

There are many more aspects too, which I wont explore right now. But I do wonder, what friendship love and neighbour love have in common. now that I have explored what both are, I will compare and contrast them next.

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Neighbours and friends - part 1

Is it possible to find that which is common in different kinds and expressions of love?, and can we grasp love's essence from they have in common? Let's look at two kinds and see.

Carol Simon has given a good treatment to the topic of neighbour love, as I have read. Drawing from Simone Weil's meditation on the parable of the Good Samaritan, she understands love of neighbour to be the perception of something worth loving in the neighbour. The lover may know nothing about them, not their name, or their history, but they 'see' them and know that this person has a destiny given by God, and, through imagination can envisage ways to promote and nurture that destiny in the neighbour, even at their own cost (i.e. renouncing their own plans, and giving of their time and money etc). This love may be a momentary reaching out, but can have life-long consequences. It can be as simple as a smile or hello to a stranger that lets them know they are not alone, to the offer of a lift, or a job, or a meal. It is helping someone in need, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked and providing shelter for the homeless. It is caring for the sick, and defending the helpless. This is something that is very important in the Torah and Israel is severely rebuked in the prophets for not having this kind of love. Jesus also warns his disciples that those who do not show this kind of love have no place in his kingdom.

Is this kind of love based on some kind of 'seeing' the other, a perception of their 'preciousness' or perhaps their need? While this idea resonates a lot with me, I see its dangers, as has been pointed out by Augustine and Anders Nygren. What happens if we cannot see? what happens if we cannot find? What happens in a world where suffering is swept under the carpet, in distant countries where we are not personally confronted with the agony and starvation that our neighbours are enduring and perishing in? There is a modern parable of a man who had stalled his brand new Ferarri on the middle of a rail crossing. While reaching for the ignition to restart his car, and while hearing the crossing bells start to ring he notices a little boy has a foot caught in the tracks not far off. Seeing the train approaching at fast speed he is faced with the decision: 'Do I leave my car here and rescue the boy? Can I get it started in time, move it and still save him? Can I assume he will free himself in time? what will I do?' The more he thought about it the more his time to pursue the latter two options ran out. His eyes fixated on the boy and though he did not know the boy at all, he knew that he was worth more than his expensive car. He left his car and ran to the boy's aid. He managed to remove his foot from the stuck shoe just in time before the train arrived, but he was not able to run back to his car and move it too!

This man was willing to give up a car worth quarter of a million $$$ to rescue a boy he didn't know simply because he saw him in real need. We can ask ourselves what our response would be in the same situation. We can ask if our response would have been different if other people had been near by, such as the case where a woman in a crowded apartment complex was raped and stabbed repeatedly over several hours, screaming out for help the whole time, but not a single person came to her aid before she died. When the police surveyed the other tenants, they all assumed someone else was already gone to help her. Without seeing the truth they were not compelled by love to at least seek out the truth. And yet again, though we might have answered the first question with a very confident 'yes', a car is worth nothing in comparison to a boy's life, and yet around 40,000 children die every single day from starvation related diseases. We do not sell our cars to save those children. We are reminded from time to time that they exist and that the situation is real, but we are not always compelled to act. It is often when we see an image of a malnourisheed child that we are most moved to give. I still remember the image of an incredibly thin child on the movie Beyond Borders which I commented on a while back. There really is something in the seeing, but then is love constrained by what can be seen? (cf. "^If anyone says, “I love God,” yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. " 1 John 4:20).

From the story of the Good Samaritan, is a neighbour defined as anyone we see in need? Or is a neighbour simply anyone who is in need? Is it love of our neighbour that causes us to pay our taxes? The knowledge that our money is paying the medical bills of someone in need, and the rent of someone without a job? Or because it is an impersonal transaction, can it be a way of "giving all I have to the poor, but not have love..." (1 Corinthians 13). And yet, if we specifically give money to a person, it is much easier to recognise and affirm that this is an act of love.

Is love blind, or must it first see?

I took part in a psychology experiment as part of my 1st year psych studies at Melbourne Uni. The experiment 'exposed' a group of us to images and stories of people suffering torture and inhumane violence, coercion and oppresion in Dili (around the time of the Dili massacres). They then offered several ways for us to respond and asked what we would choose (if anything). to pose their thesis as a question, they were wondering whether when people are shown need or injustice, and if they believe they are in a position to make a difference to that situation, are they compelled by a sense of responsibility to act? (cf. "If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?" 1 John 3:17). Again, the response is indeed a response, to 'seeing' something, or being confronted by something. The something typically has to be personal (another person suffering or in need). I remember seeing groups of activists passing out flyers at Melbourne Uni all the time, for various causes, and none of these ever really arrested me, but that psych experiment left a lasting impression!

The love of neighbour sees need, or sees injustice against a person, and is compelled to act.

but what does the love of a friend see?
Stay tuned...

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Love derived from its types

I have explored three ways of looking at love: (1) seeing something precious in the beloved that causes us to respond in love, namely to protect, nurture, enjoy, give to and promote that beautiful precious thing for its own sake, (2) choosing to love another person regardless of whether we perceive any beauty or value in them, and (3) seeing the person's need for God's presence, and God himself welling up in us to be poured out to the beloved. These are three quite different views, but all have their overlapping aspects. Can we continue to push ahead and get to the heart of love itself?

Would another approach be to explore the types of love, as Caroline Simon has in her book? She explores neighbour love, friendship love, romantic love and marital love (that is as far as I have got so far so I am not sure what other types she has detected). Is there a possibility of seeing what these different types of love have in common, as well as what the three understandings above have in common, and perhaps derive an understanding of love's essence from that? I shall try to do so after considering what I have read. Stay tuned...

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