Romantic and marital love - part 1

Having explored the similarities and differences of neighbour and friendship love, as well as how they inform and shape our understanding of the very essence of love itself, we now turn to two other types of love, that of romantic love and marital love. Firstly, is there a difference between the two or are they essentially the same thing?

If we look at romantic love first and how it typically appears (at least in the West) before marriage, we will then explore if anything changes when two who are "in love" romantically take their relationship "to the next level" and marry.

Romantic love it typically identified with the Greek word eros, which we had identified in an earlier post as such:

It's central characteristic is desire, desire for the beloved. It sees in the beloved something it desires, and seeks to acquire that something for itself. In some ways it could be referred to as the souls attempt to transcend itself, to find completion in another. Eros is never used in the Bible, and thus never used to express God's love toward us, but some theologians believe it is apt to represent our reaching for God, as Augustine says "we are restless until we find our rest in him." As Eros can be understood as our reaching beyond ourselves for something to 'complete' us, it is typically seen as an egocentric love, a love that consumes, and is therefore unworthy of the love Christ commands us to have. It also makes sense, that if this is the definition of eros then it is not appropriate for God, who is complete in himself and thus does not desire anything from us.

Why would a person try to transcend themselves and seek completion in another? Is the only appropriate object of eros the God who can alone fill the God-shaped hole? Or is it appropriate to experience eros for another person? Is eros actually selfish and therefore a low love?

From what I have read and see in the media through movies, songs and shows, eros is like having an unknown other person living in us and making decisions for us, and promises on our behalf. We are simply slaves to its whim and must follow its lead, execute its decisions and fulfil its promises, hence another saying 'a slave to love'.

Eros is characterised by desire, and this is typically the desire for the opposite sex (sexual desire). Yet eros as sexual desire can also be directed at the same sex, and various other objects which the Bible understands as inappropriate (for example paedophilia). I don’t want to get into these variations, and what the Bible understands as corruptions of eros, suffice to say there are many other corruptions, such as David’s desire for Bathsheba, a married woman whose husband David sent to his death in order to attain his desire. It seems that unrestrained eros is a force for evil, and yet as one of the most powerful motives/drives on earth, human sexual desire is as much a power for evil as it is for good.

In speaking of sexual desire have I strayed from eros? I don’t think so. I think it is one specific manifestation of eros, one that has strong biological connections. But eros can also be desire for intimacy even if sex is not involved. Eros can also be desire for fame, or for riches, since eros is desire itself. On this understanding of eros many have argued that all humans desire something. We are not content on our own and within ourselves. We are not made to be alone (Genesis 2:18) and we cannot sustain life solely within ourselves. We always seek to transcend ourselves, to find completion in the other, to leave ourselves and live inside another, or to take another into ourselves. Eros can lead us to want to leave behind everything we had ever achieved and saved up, our entire kingdom. We want to lose ourselves in the other, in the object of our desire.

In this way eros leads to worship: the total dedication of ourselves to the service of the beloved. For this reason Augustine would say that the only appropriate object of eros is God himself. But eros can work the other way too, for desire is often a drive to take for one’s self. It can be not about losing ourselves in the other, but taking the other into ourselves, consuming them. Passionate acts of intimacy can involve both of these motions/directions. A kiss can be the offering of lips or the eating of the other, sex can be a pulling into one’s self or a losing one’s self into the other. The closeness of a hug can be the pulling of the two into one. And yet the Bible indicates the only appropriate context for the full expression of eros is safely inside a marriage.

Question 1: Why?
Question 2: If this is so, then what is the difference between marital love and romantic love, if anything?